Warriors: A Dangerous Rewind
by Bursyamo
Summary: Let us rewind on the journeys of several amazing cats and add a little something to it... Crackfic. Rated M for slight language and some other stuff.
1. Chapter 1

While I think of ideas for my Naruto story, here is some lovely Warriors crack for those who love cats who are high! :DDD

These oneshots may contain spoilers up to Omen of the Stars #2.

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><p><strong>1. I don't like my name!<strong>

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><p>"You shall now be known as Firepaw."<p>

Firepaw stared at Bluestar in disbelief, who stared back questioningly.

"Any problems, Firepaw?"

"Yes, one actually."

Bluestar nodded at him to speak.

"WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT!"

The entire camp stared up at the Highrock in shock.

After what seemed a few moons of silence, Bluestar spoke.

"You don't like your name...?"

"NO!" wailed Firepaw. "You said you were impressed by my... Courageous-ness! And now I'm named after fire! Fa-yar! The crap that burns your paws if you touch it and turns your fur black! I DEMAND A LAWYER!"

"...What the Starclan is a luwwer?" yowled a tom from below the Highrock.

"What's a cwap? Sounds tasty!" meowed another.

"NOT TALKIN' TO YOU!" screeched Firepaw.

Lionheart hesitantly crept up onto the Highrock next to Bluestar when Firepaw was busy screaming at the other cats.

"Bluestar, I'm not sure if this kit is entirely sane." he whispered.

Bluestar shook her head.

"He was fine just now. Maybe he just needs to get used to the forest. Have patience."

Lionheart sighed. "I hope you're right."

"-OUTTA HERE! IF YOU WANNA FIGHT, YOU GOT ONE!" wailed Firepaw.

"But the Twolegs may have given him something unhealthy to eat..." mumbled Lionheart.

Firepaw then proceeded to leap from the Highrock and tackle Longtail. The tom was obviously unprepared for the attack. Cats parted to allow them space to fight.

But the whole Clan was unprepared when Firepaw 'accidentally' slashed Longtail's throat.

Blood gushed from the wound as Longtail gurgled, then stopped moving.

All the cats then turned to Firepaw.

"Oopsies!"

Lionheart then proceeded to look at Bluestar again. "Now...?"

"...I never really liked Longtail anyways. Spottedleaf, please check Firepaw for any injuries."

A tortoiseshell she-cat appeared and quietly told Firepaw to go into the medicine den.

The silence that followed was deafening.

Then suddenly, a young black tom raced straight into camp, and flopped onto the ground.

A muscular brown tom soon followed, carrying a dead cat in his jaws.

Bluestar looked surprised for the first time that day.

"Ravenpaw? Tigerclaw? Is... Is that Redtail..? What's going on?"

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><p>So yeah! YAY! I let off some steam.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

HUZZAH!

I don't own Warriors. Much.

Warning: This chapter contains some... Things. Nothing graphic though, I assure you.

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><p><strong>2. Graystripe's love affair!<strong>

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><p>"Graystripe! Where are you going?" called Fireheart.<p>

The gray tom turned around to see his friend. "To go and teach Brackenpaw some new moves..."

Fireheart looked around. "So where is Brackenpaw...?"

"Hunting patrol?"

"So how are you gonna teach him anything if he isn't even here?"

Graystripe looked a little flustered. "I'm waiting for him."

"But you were about to leave..." Fireheart used his tail to point at the camp entrance right in front of them.

"You don't have to stick your nose into everyone else's business, Fireheart!" Graystripe said before trudging out of the camp.

"I thought I told you to never call me that!" Fireheart yowled angrily. But Graystripe was already out of sight.

A large brown tom appeared by his side. "Any problems, kittypet?"

Fireheart gave him a sideways glance. "No, I'm just fine, Tigerclaw. Of course I have a problem!" he snarled, irritated.

Cats were already gathering around the two, curious in what Fireheart was so upset about.

"Well, what is your problem? Miss your kittypet food?" Tigerclaw jeered.

"No! I still hate my name!" Fireheart wailed, and dashed out through the gorse tunnel in fury. Knocking Patchpelt over in the process.

The black and white elder growled, "That mousebrain should've been named Clumsyfoot!"

ooo

Fireheart shook his ginger pelt and sighed. "Stupid Bluestar. Why couldn't I be Sunheart instead?"

Suddenly a weird noise made him trip on a rock and fall, hard on another flat rock. His pretty little head hit a jagged edge, but luckily he wasn't bleeding. He sat up slowly.

"Sunningrocks? I didn't know I already came this far..." He mumbled to himself, feeling the warm stone under his pads.

The weird noise came again, and he crept over to the RiverClan border to take a peek through a clump of ferns.

And instantly regretted it.

"EW! Graystripe! What are you doing over there with Silverstream!"

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><p>YAY!<p>

This is what came to mind when I found out Silverstream was pregnant. X_X


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own Warriors, fishcakes or poochies! D':

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><p><strong>3. Fireheart takes action!<strong>

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><p><em>Fireheart poked his head into the nursery. The warm milk scent filled his senses.<em>

_"Frostfur? You awake?" The ginger tom asked._

_The queen opened her blue eyes. "Am now." She shifted to get into a more comfortable position. "Can I help you, Fireheart?"_

_"I'm just concerned about the names of your kits."_

_Frostfur narrowed her eyes. "Do you even know their names yet?"_

_"Um, no."_

_"Cinderkit and Brackenkit. I think they are lovely names, regardless of what you may think."_

_"B-B-But..."_

_"Out! These are my kits, not yours!" Frostfur hissed as she swiped at Fireheart's face, claws unsheathed._

"Fireheart..."

_"But your kits may not li-"_

_"They will!"_

"Fireheart...!"

_"Think of their future!"_

_"I already did, you load of fox dung!"_

"Hey Dungheart!"

Fireheart blinked once, and looked at his gray apprentice, who seemed very irritated.

"You're supposed to be teaching me some cool new moves!" Cinderpaw whined.

"C-Cinderpaw. Do you like your name?"

The apprentice blinked at the sudden question. "Why... Oh. Um, I'm fine with it, I guess."

The tom looked at her disbelievingly. "Really?"

"Really..."

"Why do you like a name like that? Do you know what cinders are? They are the leftovers of a damn fire, like the shit of a cat. No cat likes them, and just like shit, tries to bury them as deep in the ground as possible to get rid of it."

Cinderpaw gasped. She was speechless for a few moments. Being his apprentice, she knew that shit was dung quite well. Kittypets and their odd language, was what Tigerclaw usually said.

"So that's why... You don't like your name..." She started. Firestar closed his eyes and nodded once.

"Fire is the destructive element, feared by all the Clans, by all the Twolegs, by pretty much everything. It destroys everything in its path... Leaving behind dead, injured or the remains of cats..."

"I... I don't like mine either." She mumbled, nearly a whisper. "Why did Frostfur...?"

Fireheart turned his green gaze to the afternoon sky. "I tried to talk some sense into her when you and Brackenpaw were kits. Didn't work."

Cinderpaw looked at him with pure determination in her eyes. "I'm going to talk to Bluestar and ask her to change my name! And Brackenpaw's, and yours, too, Fireheart!"

She dashed away from the training hollow, kicking up sand in her wake. Her mentor followed calmly after, satisfaction clear in his green eyes.

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><p>"Bluestar! Bluestar!"<p>

The ThunderClan leader looked up from her half-eaten thrush. She quickly stood up and hurried over to the panting apprentice near the camp entrance.

"Cinderpaw! What's wrong? Is there an invasion?"

Most of the Clan surrounded the two cats, eyes wide and looking around for any invading cats.

Having caught her breath, the apprentice sat up straight. "No, but there is something I wanted to ask you, Bluestar."

Bluestar curled her tail in curiousity. "Go on."

"Is... Is there a ceremony that you can do to change my name?"

Gasps erupted from the surrounding cats.

"Not only mine, but Brackenpaw's and Fireheart's!"

Bluestar sighed. "Of course... You are Fireheart's apprentice."

Cinderpaw just stared. Fireheart soon appeared at the gorse tunnel. He stayed there, watching intently on the scene before him.

"But there is no real need to change your name, Cinderpaw. It sounds fine." Bluestar continued. Murmurs of agreement rose from the Clan cats.

"I have an explanation!" Cinderpaw said quickly, and then described what Fireheart had told her about cinders.

Bluestar looked at her thoughtfully for a moment. "I know what I'll do. I'll ask your mentor to give you a new apprentice name. Then that will be your name for the next moon. By that time, you shall tell me whether you want to keep your new name or your old one."

The appentice dipped her head. "Thank you, Bluestar!"

The Clan leader nodded once. "I shall not hold an official ceremony, since this is only a temporary arrangment. Fireheart?"

Fireheart walked into the camp. The cats parted to allow him to enter the circle.

"Alright..." The ginger tom ignored the shocked stares of Frostfur and Brackenpaw. "Your name shall now be..."

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><p>"Hey Cind- I mean, Toiletpaw! Come and eat some fresh-kill with me here." Brackenpaw called to his recently renamed sister.<p>

The gray apprentice hurried over to the fresh-kill pile and chose a plump mouse. She then went over to Brackenpaw, who was eating a thrush in front of the apprentice's den.

"So..." He started. "Do you like your new name...? I mean, I have no idea what a toilet is..."

Toiletpaw could not help but remember what Fireheart had told her about toilets.

_"What's a toilet?" Toiletpaw blurted out, once all the other cats have left to do their own work. "Are they pretty?"_

_"Lovely." Fireheart replied. "They are huge bowls made of the purest, white shimmering pelts. It's mostly for Twolegs to use though."_

_Toiletpaw's eyes shined. "What do they do?"_

_"Twolegs deposit their dirt inside them-"_

_"WHAT! B-But you said... about..." The apprentice whimpered._

_"Let me continue first! As I was saying, the dirt goes inside them, and the toilet, which is full of water, makes a whirlpool and throws all the dirt away. It helps to get rid of the shit, see? And the Twolegs are always cleaning it."_

_"Wow! I love toilets!" Toiletpaw exclaimed, bouncing up and down._

_"You should..."_

"I think my name's great! You see, toilets are pretty, shining white bowls full of water that help get rid of dirt!" Toiletpaw explained to her brother.

Brackenpaw blinked once. "Right... As long as you're happy, Toiletpaw..."

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><p>BAHAHAHA. Fireheart's plan worked!<p> 


End file.
